Depression, it’s the monster under my bed keeping me up all night. It’s the monster that holds me in place in the morning not letting me get up and on with my day. Its the voice in my head whispering to me about how bad i am. It’s the thing that lurks in the shadows turning the vibrant colors into a black and white abyss. Then there is another. It goes by the name anxiety. Now this is the constant humm in my head telling me not to do this because you have to do this. Its the hum that tells me that I have to do this and that but it’s starting a war only i can hear because the depression is telling me not yet well do it later but the anxiety demands it is done NOW. But guess what… I can’t do it if I wanted to because i’m so tired due to restless nights and the constant fighting of my demons. Then I get to thinking, what if they’re right? If I can’t get out of bed then what can I do? Not much of anything. The raging battles just keep going like someone has just let off a bomb in my head. Then… silence. The scariest part of my life is when both go silent. ‘Cause then believe it or not i’m all alone. It might sound silly but after years of dealing with it you grow fond of the voice that tells you what to do. Especially when you start to wonder if you are always going to be alone then you wonder if it’s back or if it’s just you. At least there is never a dull moment. That’s the average day. One time my mom asked what it’s like with anxiety. I said it’s like you’re floating in water. Then when it attacks you freak out and breathe in but your only getting water but yet not drowning. Or like you’re standing on a cliff in a breeze but a wind storm comes and you’re blown off the cliff into a seamlessly never ending spiral of falling never going to find stable land again. On a bad day you can’t get up. On a bad day the fighting is so bad that you think of ending everything to end that fight. Or maybe the silence is so overbearing that you want to end that. Then sometimes it’s in the middle and you just want to cause pain to get the noise away. That’s when there is a flash of silver then a scarlet trickle, but by the time it’s over you don’t remember what you did. Then if they go away and im alone then it starts to freak me out. I’ll get so scared that i imagine someone there but the fact that i cant see them makes it feel like ‘i’m being watched. So I run… but what am i running from? Will it ever catch me? If it does what will happen? What does it want? Yep the anxiety is back. Its a never ending cycle. Sometimes the depression will leave for months then come back for weeks or months or who knows.
A Blog On My Journey 